It Grows Like a Weed

Colbert Haircut

Stephen Colbert gets a haircut from Gen. Raymond Odierno, the Multinational Forces Iraq commander, during a taping of "The Colbert Report" in early June. (U.S. Army photo)

Your body goes through a few physiological changes when you change environments. For me, deploying to Iraq meant changes to my hair’s growth rate.

Back home, I would generally get my hair cut about once a month. I would shave every morning, and all would be right with the world.

Within days of my arrival, I noticed that my five o’clock shadow would arrive by about 2 p.m. This was not a big deal to me. However, my head of hair was growing way too fast.

When I was younger, I used to have a very thick head of hair. We had to thin it out every time I went to get it cut. Nowadays, my hair is much thinner and doesn’t hide as much of my forehead as it used to. Thanks for nothing, heredity.

Now, instead of cutting it once a month, I’m down to about once every two and a half weeks. If I let it grow much longer, I can’t control it.

This is good news for those suffering from hair loss. Put down the spray-on hair, and stop using the Rogaine. Forget hair plugs, altogether. All you need to do is move to Iraq, and all of your hair loss problems will be solved.

Now, if only Billy Mays were still alive to be my pitchman for my awesome hair restoration travel solution.

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